"Don't know what to DO"

[granny2young]

wow Rick, it was hard to read your post. I am no psychologist or psychiatrist, and don't claim to be, but I hear what you are saying. It would seem to be if all is forgiven, now comes the hardest part, the forgetting. It is hard, but not impossible and the first step is communication, first with your wife, then with your daughter, and leave it there and don't come back and pick it up ever again. I wish you the best and hope you find the peace you deserve.

[granny2young]

I have a very close friend who has experienced the same thing. It was the hardest thing to watch, but through time, prayer, and family and love he got through it, and it rarely haunts him and u can have that freedom too. You only get one life, one daughter, and one wife. There are no do-overs in this life. It takes a big man to "leave it at the cross" and not carry it around anymore, but until then, the demons will remain.

[granny2young]

see step 1, forgiveness

[King Rat]

Like G2Y, I'm no psychologist. But dealing with my own childhood problems made me sort of a lay psychologist, I guess. With myself as the patient. Here is what I learned:

You can't control what other people do or say so don't beat yourself up over it. You DO have to control your own actions, though. At the end of the day you have to be able to look in the mirror.

Don't revisit the past. Once you have made amends for the wrongs you have done and there is nothing left that you can change, or fix, don't dwell on what others have done. I wasted a lot of time trying to make myself understand my father. I never did. Still haven't.

Everyone has done things they are ashamed of. We've all hurt people. The best thing to do to make up for it is to learn from it and become a better person.

Hate will consume you. Until you let go of the hate you will never have peace.

You have to like yourself. If you don't like yourself then change your behavior until you do. We all have a moral compass that tells us right from wrong. Sometimes we won't admit it to others but we know when we do wrong.

Write it down. Just sit down with a pen and paper or on your computer and pretend you are writing a letter to each person you want to understand your feelings (your daughter, your wife, the cops, and most importantly - yourself). When you are through writing lock the letters away and keep them. If you write it knowing someone else will see it you will not be perfectly honest. You might be amazed how theraputic writing it down can be. I'd be willing to be that just starting this thread made you feel like a weight had been lifted off your chest.

Remember you are not alone. The world is full of people who have it worse than you. Take some comfort in that.

Help someone. Several years ago I got a random IM request on ICQ from a teenage girl in Canada. I tried to get out of talking to her because I had no business talking to a teenage girl but she told me she was about to take some pills and commit suicide and that she just wanted someone to know why. So she told me about her problems and I sat up the entire night listening (reading actually) and giving her some positive reinforcement. Letting her know that I had once had all those same feelings. When she went offline I wondered for the rest of the day if she was still alive. A couple days later I got another IM from her and she said I saved her life. I heard from her off and on for about a year and she got her life together and found a boyfriend and was finally getting along with her parents. Whether or not she was actually sitting there with a bottle of pills and a death wish I don't know - but it made me feel good thinking just maybe I made a difference.

And that got me to thinking.....we all make a difference. You never know when just smiling at a stranger as you are walking into Wal-Mart can make someone feel better.

Regardless of how much reason you have to be bitter and sad, YOU are ultimately responsible for your actions. Blaming your bad behavior on what someone else did is just a crutch.

And perhaps things I relied on most are two sayings I heard somewhere - don't remember where. "This too shall pass" and "God will never burden you with a load he knows you can't bear". They sound simple but they are true.


That's the summary of my years of self-analysis. It is free and worth every penny of it.

[King Rat]

rockinrickus said:

Ok I knew this would be a Waste, Forgivness, how long does it take for comeone to say hey "I'm Sorry" and mean it. 10 YEARS this crap has been going ON, Brought it on MYSELF, HOW by punishing my child when SHE needed it. (Groundation) FYI- when this crap begain, my wife found in her Room, 200 letters and plans to screw me over. This was ALL made up and I didn't deserve any of it. Yo RATT, you made the coment DWELLING on It, when you Dwell, that is the person NOT letting Go of the Problem. It Is a Differant story when it Haunts you, everyday. Last you will EVER Hear From ME............................................ To All Of You, I am NOT a Rapist.

First, you can forgive someone even if they haven't asked you to. My father has never said "I'm sorry" but I have forgiven him.

Second, by "Dwelling on it" I'm not talking about NOT having the nightmares. Heck, I still do. I'm talking about not spending the entire day afterwards thinking about the nightmare. I've never found a way to control what I dream but I can now control what I think about when I'm awake. I read a lot.

I'm sorry you found this a waste. I gave it my best shot and I'm sure G2Y did as well. I honestly hope you sort this out and find happiness again. I know what it's like to feel hopeless, man. It's a lonely thing to deal with. But you CAN deal with it. Just keep trying.

[King Rat]

What my father did is my business.

Does it matter what circumstances push a person to the point that they think they would rather die than face their problems? All I am trying to tell you is that you are not the only one who has ever felt this way and that there is a way out other than giving up.

You can talk to all the doctors you want and take all the medications you want (not implying that you do either) but ultimately YOU are the one who has to work it out. No one can wave a magic wand and make you like yourself. If doctors and medication help then great, but you have to do the hard stuff yourself.

I'm not saying you can control the dreams and the voices but you have to learn not to let them control you. It's not easy and there's no one-size-fits-all formula for doing it.

G2Y said that step 1 is forgiveness. After that you still have a lot of hard work to do. I would say step 2 is learning to like yourself. That may sound cliche but it is true and probably the hardest of all the steps.

You keep mentioning "fault". I'm not saying this is or isn't your fault - I don't know and that isn't my call. What I am saying is that regardless of "fault" you are the one who ultimately controls what you do, what you say, and how you react to what others do and say.

Maybe my comments are making things worse. If so then just tell me to butt out and I won't say another word. Good luck to you, though.

[TF Admin]

No big deal, but since RockinRickus removed his earlier posts, I am going to lock this thread.

TFADMIN