Question?

[Pontotocmom]

If you were told a man was the father of a child ,who was nearly grown, would you tell the man?

[kontan]

Difficult question. I don't think it would be my place. But I would encourage the mother to tell the man, he deserves to know (unless there is a reason that he doesn't.)

[granny2young]

I agree. it would not be my place to tell, but I would certainly encourage the ones whose place it was to tell him. He has a right to know (in most cases)

[rutrow]

I don't think that I would tell the man. Do you think that he would believe you if you were the one who told? I agree with the others to encourage the mother to tell him herself. This is a very delicate subject and all opportunity should be given to the ones involved to work it out amongst themsevles. However, if it is never to be made known, then that may be the decision the mother makes and personally, I wouldn't interfere with that decsion.

[Crimson]

I agree with those that posted before me. It's not your place to tell him but you should convince the person who's keeping the secret to tell him.

[King Rat]

Don't tell. It isn't your place and how can you know for sure it is even true? I'm not even sure the mother should tell - depending on the situation. Has the boy been raised by someone whom he THINKS is his father? If so, does this man who has raised the boy THINK he is the boy's father? And what about the man who is supposedly the actual father: What will it do to his life? Maybe it would cause a divorce that left other kids in a broken home.

Unless there is a specific reason to bring this information into the open I think it is better to let sleeping dogs lie, as they say. But by no means should you be the one to tell it.

[Pontotocmom]

First off I wouldn't tell it. I wondered if a man would want to know....The mother told her son years ago that the guy on the birth certficate isn't his father. That guy knows he isn't. And neither parent is raising the child and hasn't been in the child's life for some years. The child is asking questions. And since he is a child I believe he shouldn't be told gossip from me or anyone else. Since the mother has been dishonest she could of named someone we all knew but also knew we would feel it was too late for the child to be in the man's life. But when he is an adult, he has already stated numerous times, he wanted to find his bio father. He has a name already but not the location or anything. So how would most men feel if a son they never knew existed showed up after he was grown?

[momof3]

My old boss's husband was served with child support papers for a child that was 15 years old. He didn't know anything about the child until he was sued for support. After taking a DNA test, he had to pay back child support for 15 years and start paying monthly child support. He left it up to the child on whether or not he wanted to meet him. He didn't and the last I heard, he was still paying the mom.

I didn't think that was right, because if a man doesn't know he has a child, how can he be expected to be responsible for it. It caused a few problems in their marriage, but they worked it out.

I'm not sure how most men would feel, but that would be a hard pill to swallow if it were me.

[King Rat]

That's a tough one, PM. To me, being a "father" isn't as much about DNA as it is about a relationship with a child. I am both a father and a stepfather so I have seen both sides. When my kids were born it wasn't the birth or the fact that they were my flesh and blood that made me love them, but it was the taking care of them and changing diapers and getting to know them. It was that same way with my stepkids (getting to know them) though they were both adults when I first met them.

I think society too often looks at fathers as pocketbooks when it comes to their kids. Why else would the typical father only be allowed to see his kids twice a month after a divorce? Can society not see that the absence of a parent has adverse affects on kids?

[zipzam]

momof3 said:

My old boss's husband was served with child support papers for a child that was 15 years old. He didn't know anything about the child until he was sued for support. After taking a DNA test, he had to pay back child support for 15 years and start paying monthly child support.

back child support for 15 years??? a complete load of horsepoo imo.
if the court feels he was "responsible" for this child those 15 years... doesn't he have a right to sue the mother for hiding his child from him for 15 years?
while i think it would be stupid to allow the dad to sue the mom for hiding the child... it should work both ways IF it's gonna work one way.
i can see the arguement for the dad paying support from 15-18 (especially if the mom is struggling financially). but BACK SUPPORT for a child that was hidden from him? the law is severely screwed up sometimes....

IF the judge is going to demand that back support for 15 years, i'd MUCH rather see it go in a trust fund in the CHILD'S name. the mom/child can get by on the age 15-18 child support. the child should get the rest of the money to use for college (or whatever the child wishes at age 18).

the dad got VERY shafted. he lost 15 years from his child AND gets hit for a ton of money that he could not have planned to pay (since it was HIDDEN from him!)

[Pontotocmom]

I agree since some of my kids are not birth children. This kid isn't going to want back child support, while I don't know all the reasons he wants to search the one he told was he just wanted to know them. I couldn't bring myself into telling him that they may not want to meet him. They may not want to do a DNA with him. As a child the mother could get it ordered but I don't think the law extends to adults like that. He said he didn't know when he wanted contact but someday...... He will have a good scholarship to college from grades and football both so the friend who he lives with said. So money isn't the reason. Maybe the connection, I'm not sure. I know he has hard feelings towards his mom and the dad he knows because if he didn't I don't think he would want to look around. And when he grows up more he may not have the need. I was just wondering how a man would feel if a grown kid shows up and says I think you are my dad.

[momof3]

This is kinda the same thing as a child who has been adopted that is looking for the bio parents. I think that if I were adopted, I would want to know and meet my parents just to know them. That's probably the reason he's doing it...curiosity. As far as the dad goes, who knows how he will react. It's going to depend alot on the type of person he is. I do know this, if the child decides to find out and he goes to the dad, then he needs to give him time to absorb the news. He needs to remember how he felt when he just found out and realize that bio dad is going to feel much of the same emotions. However, the child has had time to process his feelings. I just don't think I would expect alot the first time, but after a little time, it will probably be better and they can have a realtionship.

[Pontotocmom]

I don't want him hurt, but by the same token, I wouldn't want the bio dad hurt either. I know all parties envovled and I have no ideal how they would first react. The child has had 8 years to think it over. So I guess if he brings it up I'll just warn him to go careful and be sure it is what he needs to do. I just hope his real mom didn't lie about who it is.

[veronica35]

I think both of them has a right to know but wouldn't want to be the one telling either of them. Touchy situation and has the potential to hurt a lot of people.

[Pontotocmom]

I agree Veronica. It will end up hurting a lot of people.