Blonde Games

[mercyme]

Everybody knows Blonde Jokes. No offense to blondes, don't get me wrong, but they are funny. Who can tell the best?

I'll post one to start it off.

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out rude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up.

"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. I'ts because of you that I have to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."

"Gee, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." "BE QUIET!!! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"

[zipzam]

two blondes were standing on opposite sides of a narrow river. one of the blondes looked to her left and saw a narrow bridge. she then looked to the right and saw an old raggedy rowboat.

she paused and hollered to the other blonde
"EXCUSE ME, HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!"

the other blonde paused a second with a blank stare then replied
"YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

[taxed]

Hey, that's a good one.

Here's mine:

The lady was taking the construction supervisor on tour of the house she was building. They went into a bedroom and the lady said, "This is my son's room and I want it painted sky blue." The supervisor nodded and hollered out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

Then they went into the next bedroom and the lady said, "This is my daughter's room and I want it painted light pink." The supervisor nodded and hollered out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

Then they went into the next bedroom and the lady said, "This is the master bedroom and I want it painted eggshell." The supervisor nodded and hollered out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady became flustered and asked the construction supervisor, "Are you getting this? I keep telling you what color paint I want, and you keep hollering, 'GREEN SIDE UP!' out the window."

The supervisor replied, "I got your colors. The problem is that I have two blondes laying sod outside."

[zipzam]

Two blones are sitting on their front porch on a moonlit night. The first blonde says, "Say, which do you think is farther away, the moon or Florida?"

"Hello?" the other blonde says."Can you see Florida?"

[TF Admin]

A rare male blonde joke for the ladies:

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building,"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much!"
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."

TFADMIN

[mercyme]

-- BLONDE COOKING DIARY --
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food
cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The
neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said
serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a
surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before
steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath
anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a
chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

[zipzam]

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the BIG BOY thingypit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and then gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Houston."

[zipzam]

A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde rob a bank.
In the ensuing police chase, they decide to hide in an old barn.
The barn gets surrounded by cops. A cop comes in to search.
Thinking quickly, all three bank robbers hide in separate gunny sacks.

The cop gives the first gunny sack a kick.

The red-head responds with a faint "meow".

The cop radios the others that its just a sack of kittens.

He sees the next sack and gives it a little kick.

The brunette responds with a faint "arf, arf".

The cop radios the others and tells them that its just a sack of puppies.

He sees the final sack and gives it a gentle kick.

The blonde responds with a faint "potatoes, potatoes"....

[granny2young]

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and the first blonde was banished to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and the second blonde was banished to hell.
The third blonde said "I know what Easter is", and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." The third blonde said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder .
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.

[wretch]

This is probably my favorite blonde joke. My blonde wife loves blonde jokes and takes them very well.

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

[mercyme]

HA HA HA!

Here's one I like.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
adds permanent wave."

[jaykay]

A friend came to see her friend who was a blonde and was saying what beautiful dogs she had. What are their names he asks. Why they are Rolex and Timex. Why would you name a dog that and the blonde exclaimed "Helllooooo they are watch dogs"

[mercyme]

Duh, The Blonde and Indiana Jones

[zipzam]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[zipzam]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back,

"IT'S A SCARF!"